First of all. I’m sorry if my blog post seems disjointed. Right now I am in the midst of an episode and I am therefore essentially regurgitating emotions exactly as they are happening- which naturally are very sporadic and irregular.
This week has been a tough one. I can’t really explain why, not because I don’t want to but because I am so confused by it myself. I think I can identify that the trigger was this social event that I have coming up which I’m dreading.
I’ve had bad moments and worse moments this week where I have felt totally overcome with negativity.
I went to a charity gig last night where my brother in law played and honestly I felt ok, despite being a tiny over-crowded pub full of rowdy drunks – I was surprisingly ok.
Today I am the complete opposite. I have fallen off the wagon of my own mind. I woke up feeling reasonably ok, with the hope to spend a nice day with my boyfriend. We don’t get many weekend days together any more through prioritising my work and his. But he (as usual) needed to do his daily work out, which involves throwing weights around my living room. I find this stressful.
I hate this and usually try and keep busy while he’s trashing the house, usually I decide to clean. That’s the typical weekend routine anyway. Clients, cleaning, cooking, organising, planning etc.
But it was like every room I went into I felt less able to cope. I felt myself growing angrier and angrier and physically wanting to throw something or hurt myself in some way because I was feeling a huge loss of physical and emotional control.
I made some headway, I stripped Annabelle’s bed and put the new bedding on. I put a load in the washing machine. Stephen appeared, jovial and like he wanted to talk to me (for the first time all morning) and I snapped.
I snapped and then I had to leave. There was this totally disarming yet overriding sense of flight. I had to run away. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He went in the shower and I scrambled around in some effort to find a salon tunic to change into quickly.
Before I left I basically demanded that Stephen did the houswork for me as I just couldn't manage it.
I have neat handwriting usually. Like really neat. But I wrote this letter in a complete state of frustration and anxiousness and I want to show you the physical impact this hideous disorder has on me. Shaking, rocking, loss of strength in the limbs, uncontrollable pins and needs, nausea, extreme fatigue and giddiness.
I felt as though it was just a thing. A thing that I haven’t got a word for yet. Just lost and there is constant loud noises and banging and fast movements and then Im sat in my studio. The soft lights are on and curled up in a little ball cradling my head.
A long time ago during an episode the doctors told me to sit on the floor with my head between my legs. This would prevent me from hurting myself and even passing out. I did that instinctively and looked at my contacts list in my phone.
Stephen. Steve. Dad. Kazz. Lauren.
I texted each of them. And each of them would receive a different version of me.
‘I’m sorry for snapping at you. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything and I just needed to get out of the house’
‘Hey…. ‘
‘Hey, do you want to come and see me at work??’
‘Yo I’m a bit sad today ‘
‘I’m not good today’
Everyone replied. And it makes me more tearful in some respects because I’m so lucky and I'm not even sure I deserve it. All I know is I’m f*cking mental half of the time.
What is wrong with me??
I never did manage to get a doctor’s appointment in the week. I guess I just hoped I’d get over it.
I feel pretty drained right now and I’m worried about everything. Everything and them everything cut in half and into quarters and eighths and eventually into tiny microscopic little shards of worry.
I only have one treatment this evening. I am thankful for that because I'm nto even sure i'll get through it.
I feel so tired.
I think Stephen hates me and he probably does. We never really have any kind of intimacy any more, neither one of us is worse or better that the other we just don’t make the same time for one another anymore.
I feel like things are constantly changing and I'm not sure they are getting better.
No, they must be. This time last year I must have cried every single day. It’s not that bad anymore.
I am taking deep breaths but I feel very strange.
I’ve been taking this CBD oil that last couple of days to help me with the anxiety but I’m not sure it’s helping. Well, come to think of it. When I got to the studio earlier, I locked the door and just sobbed for a good 10 minutes and then when I took my CBD oil I did actually stop crying. Is that a thing? I don’t know. Maybe unrelated but I will give myself the benefit of the doubt.
Stephen resents me and I don’t honestly blame him. He will probably leave me soon and return to a life which was far simpler and more fulfilling in many ways.
I don’t know where that will leave me. I guess I’d cope. Maybe not. Who knows?
I should really get on with some more training but I’m hearing the words in my webinar and they are not actually going into my brain it’s like in in complete shutdown. I was listening to Staind (lol literally the most depressing band I know) often the case when I feel overcome.
And I was hearing the words and they DID have an effect on me, the tougher lyrics made me cry more and made me contemplate different worries to the worry I was worrying about at the time.
I got really cold and considered putting the heating on in my studio but that meant getting up and moving around. I made the decision to conserve that effort and energy to getting my coat on and going home. I made the journey back.
Stephen didn’t say much when I got in, he was still cleaning.
I suppose I will have to try and explain in some words that don't not currently exist in my vocabulary what the fuck just happened to me and why I had a complete meltdown for absolutely no fucking reason.
Probably useless because I don’t think he cares that much about why it happens or any of the specifics. He just wants me to be ok.
But I’m not. So where does that leave us?
What more is there to be done? I’ll always be like this and he'll always be like that.
I need to feed my mum's cats.
I really need to get myself ready for my treatment this evening.
I don’t know how I will get through it today.
I feel sad because I’ve wasted the day.
All I want to do is sleep and wake up when it’s all over.